Tuesday, August 05, 2003

Who Stole my Buzz?????

Driving to yoga, I suddenly identified what was wrong with me. I've lost my buzz. It's gone....the high I get when good things happen. You know what I mean....the excitement, the adrenaline rush, the happy hormones......wanting to sing and dance or jump around the room for joy (which I did literally do from time to time!)

Well to be more accurate, it's not totally gone, it's just a helluva lot shorter than it was. Used to be...in the good ol' days...that I could float around on Cloud 9 for a few days after good news/things happened...maybe even as long as a week. Now I'm lucky if it lasts til the end of the day, let alone a week. For instance....I go to a dance. Normally I'd still be on a high the next day, reliving all the fabulous things I did. Now I'm lucky if I still feel that way by the time I get home. I get a call about an interview. Yayyyy. 10 minutes later I'm sitting here thinking why the hell do I want an interview anyway and getting stressed and upset about it. I get a nice email....a guy (he who is mentioned below) says he'll come and meet me for lunch. Yipppeee. Next morning, probably about two hours in real, non-sleep time, I'm totally freaking out and miserable as shit cos I think I don't want to see him (except I do want to see him...tons....it was all I could think about for 3 days and now, nothing...less than nothing).

I could cope if it was just a question of buzzing out and then returning to normal. But it's worse. Once that initial rush has gone...too damn quickly...there's just depression and upset and tears....far too many of them recently. My stomach was in knots this morning. I was panicked about a GOOD THING.....where's the logic in that?????

Think of an extreme seesaw that's out of balance...you can go up a little but then rush way down, farther than you want to go....and then you need even more "up" than before just to get up to equilibrium....never mind higher.

Why? What happened? Where did it go?

And more importantly, how the hell can I get it back?


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