It's my birthday and I'll cry if I want to....

My father's in hospital and I'm very depressed. The two are not directly related in that the depression came about 14 hours before the hospital thing but put them together and it's really not helping matters.

My father's been coughing for a while....3 months or so. Doctor thought it was an allergy but wasn't sure what he was allergic to. Sent him for some tests and found that he'd been coughing so much he'd damaged his lungs and wasn't breathing properly. So last weekend he was sent off for a CT scan and they told him he'd have to go to a breath clinic to learn to breath again. Mother called me on Saturday to tell me that he's been really ill, not been to work all week, was having trouble breathing and hadn't eaten.

They'd tried to get hold of the consultant he's been seeing but he was out of the country so ended up seeing him Thursday evening. Put him on steroids to help with the breathing and said he should go into hospital. Friday morning he seemed a little better but then overdid things so had to rest. No rooms in the local hospital so they decided to hold off til Sunday and then they took him in.

Got an email this morning to say he'd been moved to another hospital. Apparently Bushey doesn't have an ICU and the consultant wanted him to be closer to him and his team. Though why they didn't say that before he checked into Bushey, we don't know. Ambulance took him late last night to the other hospital but by the time they got him there the bed had gone. So wasn't until about 2pm today that he got a proper bed.

Spoke to my mother this afternoon. She said she'd taken him in a smoked salmon sandwich and some cherry tomatoes and he'd managed to eat them, which is a good sign. Note the quality of the food (!). Seems a bit better although my aunt, apparently, thinks he looks awful (but that might be because he had diabetes as well this year and has been losing weight...plus I don't think anyone ever looks good with a hospital bed for decoration). As my mother said, once the steroids kick in he'll probably start eating like mad and end up putting on too much weight! That would be a good thing at the moment.

They have to do some more tests...including a bronchoscopy on Friday...so I'm guessing he'll be in til at least end of the week. His lungs are inflammed and there's fluid in there. Not sure what all of this means other than it's not good and I've been really upset and scared. Told my mother I'd go back to London but she said not to...she thinks he's been getting a little better each day so hopefully things will be ok. Then she told me not to be upset, cos I was trying really hard not to cry on the phone. How can I not be upset? It's bad enough he's ill but he's also 3,000 miles away so I can't exactly pop in and see how he's doing...I have to rely on email/phone updates.

The only good thing about this weekend was I made a fabulous treacle pudding, which went to work with me today and was very well received. Other than that, spent the last three days bawling my eyes out and drinking too much.

:-(