Thursday, June 13, 2002

Got called a "good kid" last night. Wot the hell does that mean????? Made my brain fizzle all the way's the thing....Joe tells me that he thinks I'm interested in him as more than a friend. No. Well I was, briefly, but I'm not now. Actually, let's go back a step or three. When I first met him, he was a friend. Then I had a number of people telling me that he was interested in me, which I thought was crap cos of TOW. But they wouldn't stop so I got curious and I thought about it. And that part of me thought well, maybe. And he basically said, at one point, we should sleep together so, hey, why not? But then I thought logically about it and decided that I'm NOT. So now we find ourselves in this predicament where we're both confused...although I thought we'd sorted it all out. He's telling me he's into TOW (although when I ask him he has no idea what she thinks about him, how her marriage is, whether she's ever going to leave him....etc). Yes, I know all of keep telling me. Fine. I don't have a problem with that...well, I do, I don't like her. Oh that's cos she always comes off as a snob and doesn't associate with anyone else. No, really? Hadn't noticed! She's just really shy. Hmmmm....well that's not my it? Why the hell do I come off as the baddie? You can work out where this is going, can't you? Soon, I won't even be able to talk to him cos all those other people will have screwed things up for me.

Spent 90 minutes trying to explain this to him in an email last night. Probably messed it up but read it this morning and it seems least I've made it completely clear where I am......he'll just have to work out his end of things.'s the definitive list.....

Why I Like Him:
- dances well
- very easy to talk to
- doesn't tell all my secrets to the world
- doesn't seem to mind when I call him cos I'm completely restless and need to do something
- makes me laugh (so cliched but true)
- also cliched but he's happy to pay for stuff which means I actually get to eat from time to time!

Why I Would Never Choose Him as My Significant Other
- too old for me - his sons are my age!!!!!! I put that first which is weird cos actually it doesn't bother me at all...guess that's coming from the head not the heart
- crap communication....can't remember when I was last so confused by someone
- not enough passion
- too nice (ha ha ha)
- my mother would completely disapprove (actually that's a reason for the other list!)
- his "aspirations" are totally different from mine
- not interested in me....hey, if I was really into him I could sort that one out!!!!

So last night I got that flashback again. It's this memory that pops up from time to time. Joe triggered it with all this crap. Just when I think the past is nicely buried, up it pops. Standing in the kitchen in Watford making dinner. My ex-husband (also known CB - complete bastard) is in there shouting at me about something. You know, I'm not sure I ever knew what it was that I'd done this time. Just remember that knife in my hand. I came so close to sticking it in his stomach. Thought it was the only way I'd ever get out of there....spending the rest of my life as a guest of Her Majesty seemed so much preferable than that life. Still cry when I think about it. Two regrets in my life and the fact I didn't stick it in him is definitely one of them. Wonder wot his mother would have said...her precious son. Yeah right. If she only knew. Col always says what doesn't kill us makes us stronger. On that basis I should have the strength of Hercules (it was him, wasnt it?). Must be taking a day off. Ah, screw it. I need a distraction. Going to play with cardboard boxes - at least they don't mess me around!!!!


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