Friday, November 29, 2002

Isn't it Sunday?

Just saw one of the dynamic duo driving round the apartment and wondered...why are they working on a Sunday. But then I's only Friday. I have another two days of lounging around.....mmmmmmm!!! I so need it. Am totally out of everything. Brain is on another planet and the body is still snoozing somewhere! 4 full days of not a lot....mmmm. Followed by three full days of total crap again and then 6 days of partying!!!! Woooohoooo Vegas, here I come! LOL

I had a phone call from Australia last night. Or this morning depending how u look at it. About 13 hours ahead of us. Surprised. Pleasantly. That's all I shall say....for now....!

So, the plan for the day.....mmmm.....a bath I think. That should keep me going til about lunchtime. Then Larry said he might stop by. Hmmm....we shall see. He's being mean to me. Might have to be mean back. :-) Wot else? Oh a little tip to Home Depot I think....see if I can get some brackets to sort out the bed...should work at least til I get round to buying a new one.....! the studio for some dancing. Yeah. That sounds like a fantastically boring day....just what I need and want!!!! Oh, maybe I'll slink off and watch Bond......yeah, I think I'll dump Larry for Pierce!!!!! LOL

Tuesday, November 26, 2002

Going to Jamaica????

Rob wants me to go with him. February. Around Feb 12th I think. I can't afford it!!! Can I? I would like to go. Apart from being with him (oh, and a mate of, not Nestor....shame!) it would be a week of sand, sea, sun! Mmmmmm. He's now offering to lend me the money. Pay me back whenever. Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...I wanna go, I wanna go, I wanna go.........

But in the meantime....cute, adorable Canadian...MIA! Well, not totally. Was meant to come round Monday but sent me a message to say that he been "called away" to Toronto. Hmmmm......I see. Or rather I don't. All very mysterious. Tried calling but phone either on voicemail or ringing. Strange!!!! And irritating....sssss.......

As for the tradeshow. All over. Phew. Forgot how tough they were. Still loads of people came to see us.....some were even interested. Ha ha ha. Next job, sift through all those damn leads and give them to the new salesperson...which reminds me....gotta sort out training and planning rest for the wicked......

Sunday, November 24, 2002

Restaurant Review

Wow. Go to the Buffalo Chophouse if you want MEAT....and have someone else paying for it!!! VERY nice.....dinner for 3...oh, about $300....but mmmm so worth it...think I just had enough red meat to last me the rest of my life....although someone nearly drove into me on the way over (i was in the left lane, she was in the right lane....she turned left....yep, slammed on the brakes and i'm still not sure how i avoided hitting her...stupid bitch). Now, I need to sleep...full and tired and..........

Saturday, November 23, 2002

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Look there's just no way I can be celibate...or even try to be. All I said was I'm gonna give up men for a bit and what happens? First Den reappears (before I went out last night). Then as I get home, Rob pops up. Hey, guess who I've got here? No, not....oh yeah..Nestor. I first "met" him a couple of months back. It was a Friday and I was at work. Rob had been out playing golf with Nestor, was totally drunk and hence decided that he needed to call me to declare undying love. So he did. Then he handed me over to Nestor....apparently a very good-looking mate of his from...Cuba (? can't remember). Had a little chat with him about nothing of any interest. That was it. End of conversation. Or so I thought....

Oh seems that Nestor is not a happily married individual and he's looking for some fun on the side. And dear darling Rob is taking it upon himself to find entertainment for Nestor. My mission, last night, was to flirt with Nestor and embarass him totally. Was I up for it? Err...well....of course!!!! LOL I think I achieved my objectives!!!! Apparently now I just need to get myself down to NJ cos there's some very frustrated married man waiting for me. Ah, well, you'll just have to wait!!!! B'sides Rob's still "missing me".....but not enough to stop passing me round his friends...honestly!!!!! What does he think I am...?

And then...mmm...woke this morning to little IM messages from Greg....mmmmm!!

But I'm still off men......LOL

Friday, November 22, 2002

Oh, I don't believe it. I was so good, resting from men...until the twin reappeared!!!! He's been hiding for weeks so I sent him a couple of messages just to check he was OK....he's cute and fun but not the love of my life by any means. So, was just being friendly. And today he pops back up. Been busy working. Poor thing. So, another little mess to add to the never rains but it pours...or given the current state of affairs...snows...!!!!

It's Written in the Stars

"You were on again, and now you're off again. Sometimes the chemistry is fun, but it's so unstable. Would you trade this occasional relationship for something else? Maybe. Figure out what you really want."

This morning's horoscope. I'd love to write these....but I think I'd have to be a bit more blunt! "Get a grip will you? You have no idea what you want so how the hell can you work out whether you're happy or not. Come back when you've got your life sorted out"

But it's so damn true. Spent hours talking to Rob last night...who's back with the "I miss you" line, "come to Jamaica with me". Unstable? Oh yeah. Totally. Don't know if I'm coming or going. Have decided to give men up for a bit......hmmm.....lets see if I can make it past the lunch....!

Thursday, November 21, 2002

Bannoffee Pie

Comfort food! No, I'm going to a Pie Party tomorrow at the studio. Take a pie and get in free! So, I thought, why not? They've never had it and it's easy....the condensed milk is in the pan, bubbling away for a couple of hours while I watch it (from time to time!).

It dawned on me why I'm feeling so vulnerable. It's "that time of year". Holiday season. So fucking wot. I hate December. From the time I was about 27 I have spent every December in a total alcoholic blur. The first time I did it was because it was the run-up to the "Big Day". My anniversary is December 18. I remember the day I walked out - 2 weeks before my birthday. I know I got divorced in June. Ask me the dates and I have no idea. Dec 18 - can't forget it. Doesn't matter how hard I try, it's always there and I guess it always will be. Closely followed by Dec 21 (my ex father-in-law's birthday) and Dec 25 (my ex's birthday). No, it wasn't Christmas - it was his birthday. For how ever many years I lost Christmas. Birthday boy got all the attention. Then the year I left, Christmas was horrible. I hated it. I wanted to be on my own but my mother decided to have a big family party with grandmother, aunt, uncle and cousins. This was in the "we don't talk about him" period. So we didnt. Just pretended it had never happened. The year after I actually wanted to be with people - it was going to be my last one in the UK so I'd cancelled a trip to Scotland to be with friends and family. My mother cancelled Christmas cos my sister was somewhere else. I was very drunk that year. The whiskey came out about 10am. Lots of tears. Since then it's been mixed. My first year in Buffalo was the Christmas I managed to get on my own - two years later than needed. I spent the day on my own and I loved it. Last year was good (thanks to Greybird!) though I did have a day when all I did was drink and cry.

Anyway, back to the plot. So, first year was Christmas parties, hen parties, wedding parties. It was fun. Then it sort of got into a rhythym....anniversary party, birthday parties...blah, blah, blah. I worked with a regional sales force so I used to travel the country going to their parties. Great! I used to be able to get a marketing party, couple of regional parties and the sales department party in as well as a few others for luck! Til I was 30. Then my best friend decided to take an overdose. Last week of November (yeah it's almost that time). I was totally devastated. I'd been up in Leeds for a meeting and was driving back with someone from work. He called and I couldn't talk cos I was on the motorway. I'll call you a bit later. Ok. We stopped at a service station. Tried to call him. Phone was engaged. Never got through. Next morning he called to say he was going to a meeting, he'll call me later. Next thing I knew there was a call from his boss. Have u seen him? Told him that he'd said he was going to a meeting. He hadn't been. Got a call from HR. Any idea? Told her the same thing. Next thing I get a call to say he's taken an overdose. Wot d'u do when your best friend who you talk to every day and see most days is no longer there? Drink of course! All the way from the end of November through to January and then some. I'm pretty sure I didn't stop for long enough to sober up.

He did actually recover. They got to him in time. No sure what he took. He was in hospital for ages and then had to go to counselling and stuff. They put him on anti-drepressants and it just wasn't the same after that. Some of it was guilt on my part. Took me a while to forgive myself. If I'd talked to him maybe I could have stopped what happened. I don't know. And I'll never know. I never saw it coming. If you'd looked at his life and looked at mine I'm sure most people would have said it would be me that would do that. But it wasn't. I last saw him just before I came over. From time to time I think about him...especially this time of year. Still got pictures of him. I want to call him but I know I shouldn't. He needed to get on with his life and I can't mess that up for him. But I do wonder how he is. You'll probably will never get to read this but if by some strange coincidence you do, you should know that I miss you terribly!

Here we are again. I suppose the Holiday Season officially opens next week. I've been blocking it out. I don't want to think about it but I've been listening all day to the Account Managers wishing people Happy Holidays and telling them we're shut for a couple of days. I don't think I can avoid it any longer. I overheard the first "what are you doing for Christmas" conversation today. I've not been shopping for a while but I know the shelves will be filled with red and green things. And all I want to do is fast forward through it. I love Dec 26. I know it's all over for another year.

That's all I want to write. I don't have a good ending. I just want to stop. So I'm going to.

Wednesday, November 20, 2002

Big Dose of Reality

Happy news...he likes me...or at least he says he does. That's a start. Stopped the tears. Sort of.

Unhappy news....fired someone today. After I'd updated this yesterday, I checked my email. Note from my boss. He'd been looking at one of sales people contact sheets and he wasn't happy. So much so, he'd personally checked all their emails, phone calls and web sites and decided she wasn't doing enough work. Which I sort of knew but was probably blocking out cos she'd signed a potentially huge account and has another very good one ready to close. Shit. No excuse for not going in today. I went. We talked. We had our weekly sales meeting and then we met with her and....that was that. Actually all totally civilised. She admitted she had been discouraged and wasn't really in the job. Then she said she'd been thinking about quitting anyway to pursue a PhD. So overall it wasn't too painful. Wandered round the rest of the day in shock. Don't think it was the decision. Think it was more the speed at which it had occured. Obviously JB (bossman) had been working on this for a while but the first indication of the firing that I got was last night and by this morning it was all over. Plus the fact that there was no offer of putting her on formal notice for a month. Nope, straight out.

The worse thing is there's someone else going on Friday. She hasn't been told yet but it's been on the cards for a while.

My head hurts. Drove home half-dazed...and nearly drove into the back of someone as a result. Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh........I so need a cigarette! Or a tall, cute Canadian.....LOL...that worked...pleasant thoughts, pleasant thoughts.........

Tuesday, November 19, 2002

Things I Don't Do

Actually that should really be things I didn't do before yesterday. I do quite a lot I suppose. Guess I don't really care enough about myself to think about the consequences. Maybe I've just been lucky? No, rephrase that. I've been lucky. Some close calls but never actually hit the big T. Stories for another day. Back to the published subject:

- I don't go out with men younger than me.
- I don't get hung up if they choose not to call me. In fact, 99 times out of 100, it's me that disappears.a
- I don't kiss. Don't know why, been like that for a long time. Full-blown intercourse, not a problem. Kissing...too emotionally involved I suppose. Larry and I don't kiss. Rob, maybe, but he's a story of all his own.
- I don't usually play hookey from work.

Yesterday all that changed. Crap! Don't know how it happened...did I let it happen? Am I that unhappy that I just lost control of myself? Maybe. Should actually backtrack a day. Sunday. Larry had been on and on at me about his friend. He came round last Monday I think and it was OK. Had nothing better to do but (1) he irritated me (2) he irritated me and (3) he has a moustache! So nag, nag, nag. Yeah OK. He can come round. He did. I got irritated. I kicked him out. Nothing happened. Nothing's gonna happen. I just don't like him and I have my standards. Larry can't understand this. But he's so nice. He irritates me. Why? I can't put my finger on it. Some people wind me up the wrong way and then that's it. He has no redeeming features as far as I can see....well, OK, one...he's not married. Big deal!!! On the "anti" side:
- he wore shoes without socks when it was snowing
- he's too short
- he's too thin
- his eyes are weird
- he has a moustache
- he kills plants
- he IMs me with the caps lock on
- he invites himself round

Ugh. Makes me shiver just thinking about it. There's no way he's getting anything from me! Can I kiss you. No, you damn well can't!!!! I think you should leave. Now? Yes, now. Go. Leave me alone. I want to go to bed...alone. He went. And left me all depressed.

Act 2. I met someone online. Bad move. Very bad move. He sent me some photos (all completely clean). He wrote me a lovely email...really cute and funny. We exchanged some emails. Seems pretty normal so I told him to IM me...cos email's too slow. He, Greg, said he would after 6pm, when he got back from work. OK, got someone coming round at 7pm. We missed each other. He IMd me while I was mid-throwing-out. I stomped round for a bit. Then IMd him back....he was out. DAMN!!! Had a few drinks. Went to bed.

Monday morning. Had a very bad night. Couldn't sleep and my back hurt. Was wandering about at 3am. Never a good sign. Ended sleeping upside down in bed so I could balance my legs on the headboard. As a result I slept throw the alarm totally. Oooops. Got up. Pain, lots of pain. Oh, I'll go in a bit later. Sat at the PC to send an email to work and Greg (yep, that's him) had IMd me back. I replied. We got talking. An hour later we were still there. He had the day off. Mmmmm. Maybe I won't go into work today. Don't I'll come over! Hmm.....OK. Really? Really! I don't do this. This is just plain stupid. He could be anyone. Well, wot can I say. He's totally adorable!!! 26, 6' 3", darkish floppy hair, cutest smile. Pretty intelligent. Bartending/waiting at the moment while he works out what to do with his life. Just back from Toronto. Wants to travel the world. Unattached. God knows why! Let him kiss me. A lot. I never do that. Very nice (total understatement!). So, he looks good, he talks good, he kisses good....too good to be true. Bet he's crap in bed. No, he wasn't. Errr, I'd love to say at this point that I don't normally jump into bed with total strangers...but I can't. Oooops. He even snores in this really cute way....he was tired, been up since Sunday morning, no I forgave him. Had to kick him out eventually cos I needed to go out. But, if I hadn't had to go I think I would have just kept him here. Got back last night and I was SO hoping he'd still be here. When was the last time I did that? I'm not even sure I can remember. Wanted him to be asleep in his car or curled up on the floor outside my front door. Was hoping that all the way up the stairs....til I turned the last corner and realised I was being stupid.

Today....weird. Want him to call me. Want to see him again. Want to cry. Why? Guess he really got to me!! Told Rob about it when he called me. Thought it was sweet. Larry does as well. I just think I'm being pathetic. Col would tell me that if he knew. Maybe I should call him. Except I can't right'll be midnight and he'd hate me! So, just sit and wait I guess. Or rather, get on with the rest of my life. Except I keep getting distracted.

Monday, November 18, 2002

Too Funny..... the bed......oooooops!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!..............guess that's wot u get for "working from home".....divine retribution.....

Sunday, November 17, 2002

Film Reviews...more

Harry Potter....well, there was better plot this time. Flowed more smoothly. Acting at the beginning wasn't too good...very wooden but they seem to relax at the film went along. Lots more Snape than last time. Wish they'd let him do something with his so doesn't suit him! Christ Church (my old college) as wonderful as ever...mmmm...! Overall, maybe 7 out of 10? Roll on December 18th, that's all I can say...Lord of the Rings!

Laundry Service

I can sense a mini-war coming on. Probably stupid but I do my laundry on Sunday mornings. I've been doing it at that time for years. I've been doing it at that time since I moved in here. Everyone knows that. Except the girl opposite it seems. Although she does know it cos she sees me most Sunday mornings running (I use that term loosely given my present condition!) up and down the stairs with the aforementioned articles. So, this morning, I went down at 8:01. I noted the time as we're not meant to use the machines before 8am in consideration of the others in the building - which is fine cos it is Sunday and I'm not normally quite that desparate to do it! So, guess who was down there...yep, the girl opposite, cheerfully loading her stuff into the machine. SSSSSSSSSsssss. I did the "neighbourly" thing, wished her good morning and went back up stairs.

10am I come back from Wegmans...all very painful cos the pills are not doing what they're meant to be and it feels like someone is sticking a knife into the underside of my foot....trying walk with that happening to you!!! Silence from the basement...peek in, the machines have stopped. Excellent. Take my shopping upstairs, unpack it all, collect all the trash out the bins, put it in a sack, take it downstairs....yep, silence. Cool! Back upstairs, gather the laundry, wander down again. She's left some stuff in the washer. Hmmmm.....I went back upstairs, got something I need to store downstairs and go back. Stuff's still there. It's been at least 30 minutes now. Should I? Oh, wot the hell, open the machine and take her things pair of jeans and three tops. I fold them very neatly over the back of the chair and put in my clothes, turn the machine on and "run"........

Just waiting for the knock at the door. Pathetic but I hurt so much I can't take any stress today and she's annoyed me. And now Joe (cant remember which number Joe he is) is coming round to take my mind of things....or give me more to worry about......why do I do this to myself????!!!!

Tuesday, November 12, 2002

Chiropractor've done something, haven't u?

Hmmm, well yes but I'm not sure what....I know how but I'm not telling him!!!! Abstinence, yuk!

Really woozy now. Been "adjusted" CRACKED me....don't pretty it up. It hurts. But now it feels better. I think. Gotta wrap myself up in a blanket and have a little cry. Pathetic.

And then I gotta call my doc and get an official referral to the chiro. Which I don't want to do cos he'll want to know why (1) i didn't go for a CAT scan (2) back to see him and (3) to physio. Answers (1) cos there's no point. If my discs are screwed you'll tell me to rest and if they're not, well then there was no point. (2) Cos you annoy me! (3) Errrr....I don't know...sort of forgot about it really.....

Need to look after myself. Need to look after myself. Need to...repeat regularly and remember to act!!!!

Monday, November 11, 2002

Continuing the movies reviews:

One Hour Photo...not bad at all...been wanting to see this since I first saw the trailer for it but totally missed at the local place so had to trek all the way up to the Falls to see it. But it was worth it and for $2.75 who's gonna complain.

The Tuxedo. Cute but stupid.

Think that's it.

It's about all I've been able to cope with recently...sitting in a cinema. No fun allowed. Every time I try and do something I end up in total pain. Went to yoga last week. Discovered that one side will not move at all...which I sort of knew. So nice to have my failings so publicly displayed!!! Got home and was asleep in about 5 minutes though...i love that! And actually I was OK the next day. Had been worried that I'd overdo it but everything seemed to be ok. So, guess I got carried away with it all..and then screwed myself up again. Blame Larry really. Hee heee. So stupid. Felt ok at the time, well felt quite good really. Next, back muscles back into spasms and the pains started. And kept going until they reached the happy level of total shooting pain to which I am now subjected. Cathy told me I looked stoned today. Guess it was the double doses of everything that gave me that look. Back to the chiropractor tomorrow. yuk. And now, gotta face Larry's friend. double yuk. Well, might be ok, I suppose......

Tuesday, November 05, 2002

Film Review

Punch-Drunk Love....CRAP. Don't go see it. Don't even think about seeing it! Shoot him please. Why did I even contemplate going to see something starring Adam Sandler? I don't know. Guess I fell for all those reviews saying how it was a really good piece of work by him. Well it wasn't! It sucked. Totally. The plot was silly - there were too many plots, none of which were dealt with satisfactorily. And his character irritated the hell out of me. I did like those cute "intermission" bits with the colors and the music...probably cos it distracted from the rest of the movie. Dire. Awful. Yuk, yuk, yuk, yuk, yuk!!!!!!!

Sweet Home Alabama.....OK, pretty cute....starring the absolutely gorgeous Josh Lucas.....mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm!!!!! I would see it again several thousand times just for him........ *sigh*

Yaaaay, Halloween's over. Good. Don't like it. Today's Bonfire that's something worth celebrating.

And to start the celebrations, I had the strangest dreams again last night. Ok, they're usually strange but I've never dreamt about granola before. I don't like, I've not had it recently so why was I debating it's price? Apparently it's hugely expensive for a big box but, when you compare the price of cereal, on a per portion basis it's a lot cheaper. Err......wot was all that about?

So then I turned to a much more sensible topic - storm windows and the fact they need to be sorted out now that winter is approaching. I was having trouble getting to the one in the bathroom...seems it had been pushed up so far I couldn't really reach to get it back down. And I was worried about breaking my nails. It concerned me so much that, this morning while showering, I found myself staring at the window.......

I'm blaming the drugs!!!